 What are Joshua Tree's best boulder problems? That's sort of like saying who is the best climber, or what country has the best looking women (Czech Republic, of course). Which is better, chocolate or vanilla? I suppose it's all subjective. But on the other hand, some boulder problems are better than others. Boulderer consensus would probably get close. What does Robert Miramontes, author of " A Complete Bouldering Guide to Joshua Tree National Park " have to say about the best boulder problems? Miramontes uses a one to five star system. He says his star system is based on three factors; rock quality, purity of line , and movement. In his book, Miramontes describes close to 1000 boulder problems. Out of those 1000 boulder problems, Miramontes gives only 6 of these problems five stars. Not being much of a boulderer, I would imagine that the 4 star problems (all 27 of them) are fantastic, and the 5 star problems (all 6 of them) are dick-wrenching mega-classics. On this website, I'll tell you about the best problems, and try to get you an action photo of "The business." For location, buy Robert Miramontes excellent book, "A Complete Bouldering Guide to Joshua Tree National Park." (page numbers refers of the page in Miramontes' book). ( Biased,
jaded, and opinionated comments on these boulder problems courtesy of S. Powers, boulder
connoisseur).
5 Star Boulder Problems ***** (Best of the Best)
Slash Face V3 R
P. 205
This is a boulder, but I could see that if someone else other than Bacher discovered it, it could have had bolts on it. It deserves every one of it's stars. It's very
aesthetic and pretty to look at. The crux is down low, followed by good holds, and has a falling-not-an-option finish. I agree with the V3 rating.
White Rastafarian V3 R
P. 88
This is the easiest V3 in the Park. The Euros love it, the gym climbers fear it. If I found it, I would have rated it V1. The big boulder at the bottom is not a factor, and you won't hit it you fall off. This French dude got scared at the top, let got and broke his ankle and bruised his heal. The crux is reachy, so short folks may think it's V3. After the crux, it's all good holds; jugs... it's just committing. One reason it gets 5 stars is it's history and fame.. I think more like 4 stars?
Stem Gem V4
P. 59
Stem Gem is V3. Wankers get their ass pounded on this and whine about the grade. Don't use the obvious footholds as they are so polished you can see your
reflection in them. If Michael Paul can do it barefoot, backwards, while holding his guitar, you can do it too. Euros hate it because it doesn't have any holds on it. Gym rats hate it because they can't do it. It is THE Joshua Tree 5 star classic. It's Joshua Tree'; you don't get this problem anywhere else.
Planet X (photo above) V6 r
P. 160
Famous and high with a cheat stone start. Big, Big dyno.
Alexandria V7 R
p. 254
This problem is WAY out there... back country bouldering. I haven't heard much about this problem.
Dark Matter V10
p. 244
Dark Matter is pretty. It's 5.14+.. I'll never do this problem. Miramontes is The Man.
4 Star boulder Problems **** ( The Best )
Gunsmoke V3
p. 121
Gunsmoke should be 5 stars. I've been out to Gunsmoke well over 100 days. Locals love it, gym rats love it, Euros love it, John the Birdman loves it. Once you have this problem hideously wired, you can go out there, pretend you've never done it, let your feet cut half way through, finish it, and down rate it to V1...(I think it's V2). Good workout, short people have problems. The 2 cruxes are reachy. It's sunny, nice, and really in a beautiful area. You can climb there on cold winter days. It's a party spot.( Ranger Steveo says leave your dogs and Mountain bikes in the parking lot , at the campground, or at home. )
Satellite Boulder (left) V3 R
p. 159
How's Your Mama V4
p. 87
This is a 5 star problem. Footwork intensive, and finishes with a big move. You might want to bring your "good" shoes for this one. Perfect landing, perfect moves, on perfect rock. I think that qualifies for 5 stars. Many boulderers don't like it because it's not a jug haul. Easy to get to; right by the
campground. (There is a portapotty nearby, in case that meal at Santana's left you a little queasy...)
Psyche V4 R
p. 253
So High V5 R
p. 148
Too high...(I can't get off the ground...). The scene of a number of bad accidents. Originally done as a top rope. Too much for me.
Echoes V5/6
p. 244
Altered States V6 R
p. 235
Rosetta Stone V6 R
p. 254
Scatterbrain V6
p. 64
Steep and powerful. Right in the campground. There are holds, but they are awkward. All of V6. Big moves. Gym rats love it. Really pretty
arête. Hard-sloped landing. Worthy problem.
Streetcar Named Desire V6/7
p. 121
This is my favorite boulder problem in the entire Park. The moves, the rock, the place, the aura..... it's like climbing an over-hanging , empty pool corner. Footwork, footwork, footwork. Flat-landing, awesome finish, lots of girls around to congratulate you.
Flexibility is key. A pants splitter. Don't use the obvious footholds... years of Gumbys wanking on it have polished it to smoother than a baby's ass. Locals hate it, Euros hate it, gym climbers hate it, your Mama hates it... because they can't get off the ground on it. I 've seen boulderers who boulder V10 get shut down on the opening move. Farm boys like George Armstrong can do it.
All Washed up V6/7
p. 170
Small holds. Perfect landing in a sandy wash. Secluded in a cool corridor, yet easy to get to , just off the trail. I've blasted my tips many days trying to send. Awesome , problem... really cool moves... (You need
Velcro gloves to send?).
Caveman V7
p. 54
If you can handle the nasty-ass stench from decades of campers shitting and pissing in this cave, you might be able to send. Very cool, one-of-a-kind at Joshua Tree problem.
Strength intensive. Careful of the sit start...(what out for TP which might be stuck to your shoe..) Right in the Campground. ...some tards set their tents up right under this problem. Chalk everywhere...(Non-climbers think the stink and chalk might be bird poop.)
Chile Sauce (AKA Moffatt Problem) V7
p. 187
Really cool problem. Funky heal-hook crux. Good landing. Cool , unique rock. Originally rated V9. Down-rated in Mari's guide to V8, and down-rated again to V7. Ryan campground location, near Headstone Rock. Crux is on thin holds. Beta intensive; you got to know what to do.
Doesn't Matter V7
p. 244
Hot Rats V7
p. 246
Xenophobe V9
p. 238
Zen Rock Gardeon Traverse V8
p. 236
Total Eclipse V8
p. 236
Pumping Monzonite V7
p. 172
Real steep, thin and powerful. Haven't a rat's ass of a chance in sending this. Fun to play on and realize just how bad you suck. Landings fine. Really hard problem.
40 Degree Wall V5
p. 245
Body and Soul V5
p. 238
Eclipse V5
p. 244
Probably V4 Cool rock, cool moves, cool view. I think it's only 3 stars, because it's really short. Long ass hike out to this problem. (Up on Queen Mountain in one of the most beautiful and secluded areas in the Park.
E J Deluxe V5
p. 99
Has a really loose finish hold on it, which you don't want to fall from.
Have a Cigar V5
p. 246
High Noon V5
p. 121
In the summertime , the crux handhold feels like a bar of soap. Really cool problem with a potentially bad landing.. bring a couple of pads and Bubba Gump to spot you, and you'll be fine. Don't fall on the Orange County gym climber in his new Prana shirt trying to impress his girl on Gunsmoke. Finish hold at top often has sand in it. Might want to go to the top and brush the sand off before sending, so you don't peel off up there.
JBMFP (John Bacher Memorial Face Prob.) V5
p. 42
I'm pissed that Miramontes didn't give this one 5 stars; brilliant, stunning, ... razor-blade crimps, high off the ground, with a big finish move on Yosemite-like granite. (Most people get memorials named after them after they die...??) Tourist drive by and gawk at you and wonder what those pads are for. It's a great problem.. it's perfect.
Want more Bouldering Beta? Follow this  member's only link.
|